It’s true that Princess Pissant is having a difficult time transitioning back to the workaday life after the festive holiday season. And yes, she may have requested a “Venti Mocha with Peppermint Schnapps” this morning at The Office, which some of you will recall (from before the festive holiday season) is actually a Starbucks.
Princess Pissant begins 2013 – a year that she fully expected would be conveniently skipped over, as is often the case with the 13th floor of buildings and hotels (turns out triskaidekaphobia is not nearly as widespread as PP thought) – with surprisingly few (read none) contracts hanging over her head.
PP also began 2013 the same way she commenced 2012, and every preceding year with the possible exception of 2004, when she was massively and soberly pregnant; that is, with a sickening feeling of utter regret and consummate self-loathing.
Agree; this is no way to start a brand spanking new year, but it goes without saying that adages like you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, a crab to walk straight, or a pig to sing apply in equal measure to Princess Pissant and the avoidance of being over-served on New Year’s Eve.
Anyway, today is the second day of the year, and those sensations of regret and self-loathing have all but disappeared, thankfully; PP is back to feeling herself, and even better (than everyone else.) And all the more so because – unlike any of her “coworkers” – PP is back at The Office; not to mention hard at work . . . on her New Year’s resolutions.
Therefore [insert sound of throat-clearing], let it be known that on this the 2nd day of January 2013, Princess Pissant resolves:
1) Not to throw MHTP – My Husband the Photographer— “under the bus” in this blog quite so much or as often as she did in 2012, and only in those circumstances when he does something egregiously wrong, like, for example, taking a whiff of obviously-soured milk and instead of throwing the carton away, as any civilized person might do, replacing it to the refrigerator for PP to pour on her morning cereal, thereby causing an unpleasant start to an otherwise promising day.
2) To ascertain once-and-for-all if the kids’ Tae Kwon Do master really is teaching them to count in Korean or if – as PP has long suspected – he’s indoctrinating them with catchphrases denouncing their parents, and thereby preparing for the eventual DPRK takeover of the United States – sometime in 2013.
3) To resist the urge to post what PP considers adorable photos and videos of KN2 (Kid Number 2) and HOB (His Older Brother) on Facebook, which she mistakenly thinks showcase their talents and personality, but actually serve only to reveal PP as a complete tool.
4) To do more charitable work. (Or at least some charitable work.)
5) To educate herself about economics, starting with figuring out what the Fiscal Cliff is, or was; and also some world affairs – like is Djibouti a country? Or a city? And do the residents of Djibouti think the name is as funny as PP does?
6) To avoid political discussions and debates at social gatherings, especially when alcohol is involved, which – according to MHTP – have caused countless episodes of embarrassment and early departures from otherwise enjoyable get-togethers.
7) To take more pains with her personal appearance, especially before heading to The Office so that the (inexplicably supercilious) barista does not hesitate before handing over the bathroom key, as she did this morning when PP was looking, admittedly, somewhat worse for wear.
8) To watch her language more around KN2 and HOB so that they don’t repeat questionable phrases in front of other (seemingly judgmental) people, like “The grapes are in the goddamn crisper.”
9) To get to know, personally and on a first-name basis, some of the other losers around this joint, such that come December 2013, we might commence the festive holiday season with our very own Office Christmas Party!
10) And finally, to not endlessly procrastinate all the real shit there is for PP to do while instead wasting unfathomable time recording petty thoughts and useless observations that no one gives a goddamn about.
And while that last resolution might lead you, my faithful followers, to conclude that Princess Pissant will no longer be writing her blog, AnotherDayAtTheOffice, fear not. And rest assured: there is not a single day, month nor year in her life that PP has ever accomplished anything she resolved to do. Nor has she ever successfully refrained from doing all the stupid stuff she promised she wouldn’t do at the inception of any given year. And if you don’t believe me, just ask MHTP.
And a happy new year to all.