Princess Pissant has been indisposed of late for a reason that she is somewhat embarrassed to share with you, her faithful readers. But in view of the fact that our close online relationship makes us “like family” – and, yes it’s true that most, if not all, of PP’s readers do happen to be blood relatives – she is going to go ahead and divulge her shameful secret.
I’ll just come right out with it then.
My name is Princess Pissant, and I am an addict. Not a drug addict, mind you but an addict nonetheless. I am addicted to Living Social Deals; hitherto – LSD.
And the problem with my addiction to LSD is not so much the endless purchasing of Brazilian hair-straightening treatments, cellophane body wraps, pumpkin-innards pedicures, foie gras facial treatments, dinners for two at obscure Indian restaurants, and family four-packs to minor league baseball games and modern dance performances. The problem is that I buy all this shit, and then wait until the day before the voucher is about to expire to use it.
So for the past several days, PP has been running all around town with a stack of about-to-expire vouchers for LSD, trying desperately to get the most bang for her buck. And in doing so, she has attended neither to the multiple contracts now hanging over her head, nor to her blog.
Anyway, notwithstanding my struggle – which, yes, I do fully own – PP refuses to accept defeat. Indeed, she is proud to announce that the winner of the “Name Princess Pissant’s New MacBook Pro Laptop Computer” contest is none other than . . . drumroll please . . . Princess Pissant herself! Which is why she is here today at the Office, which of course is a Starbucks, with her winnings – a $10 gift certificate to spend however she pleases.
Granted, the contestant pool was small, consisting of no entrants other than Princess Pissant, which as MHTP (My Husband the Photographer) pointed out, “doesn’t bode well for readership,” but never you mind. After all, PP doesn’t.
So what is the name of PP’s new MacBook Pro Laptop Computer? I went with something that spoke to her strengths, and uniqueness – Retina. Tina, for short.
So Tina and PP – hair-straightened, toenails painted, and face rubbed raw from three consecutive days of pore extraction – are here at the Office today. And, in between bouts of LSD, and surfing Facebook, we are hard at work.
Much to PP’s dismay, Facebook is much ado about politics these days. And the spirit, subsequently, is mean and divisive. Some of you may be wondering about PP’s politics. Where does she stand on issues of importance to our nation?
While PP has always prided herself on being close to totally apathetic, she did take a moment recently to consider: which candidate better represents the interests of people who spend all F-ing day sitting in Starbucks?
She was surprised to discover that Obamacare, contrary to popular opinion, offers nothing to people like us! Universal healthcare, shmuniversal shmealthcare! Turns out, there are absolutely no social programs that serve the special interests of people who do nothing but lurk coffee shops all day every day.
But what of Mitt Romney? With the exception of her LSD addiction, PP has always lauded herself on sound economic decisions and fiscal conservatism (read cheapness), and likewise admires persons with rare and profound business acumen, such as Mr. Romney. But PP sees nothing in the Romney-Ryan platform to suggest that the professional and personal prospects of people like – Princess Pissant; FSGA (Former Secret Government Agency) guy; SAHM ISO Nanny; Evidently Homeless Lady; WoW (World of Warcraft) geeks, who desperately need a new acronym but which will have to wait b/c they’ve moved on to a new online game that PP doesn’t recognize . . .; just to name a few – will improve with the election of these two guys.
In fact, people like us have been virtually ignored in the debates, and, quite frankly, throughout the whole election season. And let Princess Pissant assure you – she has binders full of incessant loiterers of Starbucks. (Some with addictions to LSD.)
And just like everyone else, we deserve to be heard!
Anyway . . . I am Princess Pissant, and I approve this message.